A CABARET IN THREE PARTS
ACT ONE
Newsroom. Young girl walks onto stage. She is wearing a red suit. Blue striped shirt. Green. New Recruit. Behind her are men with legs on desks. They glance at her slowly. They are all reading a different paper.
Agnes: Umm, hello. My name is Agnes. Is the Executive Producer here?
Man: Out to lunch darling. What can I do for you? Need some help?
Agnes: Yeah sure! Wow, look at this office, and this view!! I am so excited to be here! A real news room! With real news!!!
Wow.
Men: in chorus, briefly flicking down paper. Wow. They become more interested.
Agnes: Yes! And to think – here I am, from the sticks, from Dunedoo. I just want to pinch myself!
Man: Need any help with that?
Agnes: giggles huh?
Man: Listen, this is a serious world, and we are serious people. Not everyone can understand the complex machinations of our complicated world. But you darling, it looks like you’ve hit
Agnes: I’ve hit?
Man: News Nirvana.
Nirvana song plays.
Bright lights light stage, spotlight on Man
Man: Where only those with a special calling can survive, those with a special skin, those with the questions that delve into the important crucial questions that shake our world! That preoccupy us! That determine our worldly future, our survival in this world and the next!!!
Can we save the poor? Can we weed out injustice? Can we take the fatcats and bring them down? Can we make sure the future generation is protected?
Agnes: Wow!
Man: And……..rugby league scandals of course.
Agnes: Oh confused
Man: We’re logical, punctual, the very essence of modernity, with probing questions…enlightenment rigour, 21st Century vigour – a veritable cerebral viagra
Agnes: Oh!
Man: So you’ve come to the right place. Look at me! I am the very object of a determined fourth estate!!
Girl: Oh!
Man: And I look very good on tellie.
Girl: Sighs. Wow a real live journalist.
Man: That’s right.
Men behind roll their eyes behind the newspapers. They are younger. They are wearing urban uniform, blundstones and satchels. Legs up on desk.
Man: SONG: PIECE OF ME – BRITNEY.
Girl walks in, associate producer of some sort.
Girl2: Oh hi! Agnes? I’m Alison. They call me Tit’s for short.
Agnes: Oh!
Girl2: It would seem you have met Grahame. She sighs. Don’t listen to a word he says. He is going through a messy divorce and delusional. sing songs this
Agnes: Oh!
Girl2: You’re the new girl in town clearly. grabs her by the hand First lesson, ignore Grahame – treat him like a pet rock. And no drinks. Unless you want a visit to Dr Killababy like our last recruit, Donna, who was so busy blowing she forgot the PM’s interview on AM. Second, avoid those things – the little information agents known as sighs reporters. They’ll want you to act poor – and that’s very 1992 in my view. It’s so sad. They have girlfriends who end up buying the drinks. Sighs. Terrible. Third lesson – you can’t save the world darling. Forget it. Buy make-up instead. Save your money, get famous and get the hell out of here before you end up in Mosman. That’s what happened to my last best friend. Starts crying Ended up with a fat, grey haired old fox who was sacked from Channel Nine. Channel Nine of all places!!! shrieks crying, sobs.. At least she missed the Eddie phase I guess.
Agnes: I am so sorry!
Girl2: It’s okay. We’ll be best friends I know. I like a new girl to show around.
Sings: New In Town – Little Boots.
Girl2: Oh, and one last thing. Avoid Roxanne shudders Roxanne at all costs.
Agnes: Who?
Girl2: Roxanne! The dreaded Roxanne!! She prowls at night looking for young prey, rounds on you like a knife, apparently a result of a bad romance and her recent unexplained demotion that The Star said (via the engineer who told the techie who told this girl on switch who was sleeping with Rox from The Daily Grind) gasps for air that it was because of her getting too old.
Agnes and 2: Gasp in unison.
Girl 2: And make sure your grammar is up to speed. Apparently the last recruit wrote actress instead of actor and she tossed a full hot latte in his face!
Agnes: suddenly looks afraid Not the Judy Davis’!
Girl 2: Yes, the Judy Davis’!!
Agnes: A feminist!!!
Girl 2: Yes! It’s too sad. starts crying again Anyway, you’ve reached the very pinnacle of the very top of the ……pure gold, like as in Gold Logie so it goes with the territory. Just ask these boys. They might be terribly miserable and very inner city, but they wouldn’t be anywhere else.
And who knows – one day they might marry and up and coming reporter and build a dynasty…..or have a nervous breakdown.
Chorus: Or become a living legend!! Like Philip!
They move into formation.
Boy1: You really want to know, what it feels like to be a part of the media?
Boy2: You want to know what it takes to come here and type away, creating all the news fit to broadcast, or in our case, to fit between washing powder ads?
Boy 3: It’s hard
Boy 4: It’s horrible
Boy1: It’s not what it seems
Boy2: It’s not what you think
Boy3: It’s not the war
Boy4: that you think.